I got this in an email recently. Its one that I've
gotten before, but it was just as funny... so I posted it
here... Enjoy!!!
I don't know what the source is, but
whoever came up with it hit the mark RIGHT ON as far as
"funny" goes!
Note: Please take time to
read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better.
For those of you who have lived in New
Mexico , you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .
Judge#3
was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I
was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directionsto the Coors Light truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New
Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are
the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #
1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 --
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 -
EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 --
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the
reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI
# 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of
the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in
the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to >>
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This
300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN
VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use o
f peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My
intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum,
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3
-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during
the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, well-balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report
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